Sunday, November 30, 2008

EuroMillions Winner!

The scam letter, with my response

From: "mvcmumbai"
Date: November 29, 2008 8:53:07 PM PST
Subject: N/A

I hope I replied to the right one. the e-mail came from "mvcmumbai" but I am writing to "ccexpress" -- I hope I do not mess up my chances!


Lucky Numbers: 13, 11, 64, 88, 40
Bonus Ball Number: 30
Serial number 9987/08
Amount Won: 500.000.00 (EURO)

This is incredible news! Those are the exact numbers I play EVERY TIME!!! Look, I have to admit I don't remember playing the Euro Millions, but maybe I did. My ex-wife says I have a gambling problem. But now I am the lucky one!

What do I do if I cannot find my receipt/ticket? I cannot look through all the little lottery tickets I have bought (100s of them!) just to find the one with serial number 9987/08.

Can I still get the money?

Your email address won 500.000.00 (EURO) in the EURO MILLION LOTTERY END OF YEAR CASH-OUT LOTTERY. To file for your claims, contact our delivery agent Mr Martins Handson with the details below


Full Names..

Via Bank Wire Transfer
Via Courier

Wait! How do I contact Mr. Martins Hanson??? I want to collect my rightful prize. I do hope you are not lying to me about who to contact and trying to keep the money yourself.

Write back to me soon, okay?

I am so excited!

-- Doc

I am awaiting a response...

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Friday, November 28, 2008

My Greetings To You

Note to regular readers: I decided to try a different format than older posts, more in line with how I actually write letters.

When many ideas are presented in one paragraph or, as is often the case, when the entire letter is one run-on paragraph, I "quote back" the sender's letter to them, then "cut in" snippets of my own responses. (My responses are indicated by a leftward, red, vertical bar) This is the format I have used below, taking the entirely of the scam letter but "interrupting" the original with numerous responses to "what has just been proposed.

The Scam Letter, with my responses cut in:

Hello my dear,
I strongly believe that this mail must get at you by god's grace, as I do not know you in person and not quite sure of your current tell/fax number for me to be sure, but I know how I manage to get this mail address which I used to communicate you.

Hello, my Sweetness,
(May I call you that? You called me 'My dear' and it makes me feel good.) You may be onto something with that god's grace method of mail delivery, because, for the life of me, I don't understand how I get any mails on my computer. I mean, no stamps, no envelopes. How do they know?

Anyway, the letter got to me, so let me know if you still want my phone or fax number and mailing address, otherwise we can go ahead and use the god's grace thing again to get me the money you're talking about below. Deal?

However, I am Mrs.Florence Alozie and I am working with the nations apex bank; accounts unit/telex department central bank of Nigeria. My aim of writing is not to know you as I have no interest of knowing you and would not like to know you unless if needs be.

Well, Florence Alozie of the nations apex bank; accounts unit/telex department central bank of Nigeria, I have no interest in knowing you either. But now I know a whole lot. If needs be (and I think we both agree, they do be) here's additional information about me that will actually get you to know me better, regardless of your actual interest: I am, as you already know, Mr. Bill Melayter, of the abrasive scrubbing department of the receptacle department of the septic waste department of the domestic engineering department of the Employee Micro-Management Corporation of America.

But I am telling you this based on my believe as person who does not like evil or cheating and would not like to be called for explanation as a result of this information I am giving to you below.

You have me on 2 out of 3. I actually love being called on for explanation, but I hate cheating and evil (not necessarily in that order), and for what it's worth, I hate evil cheaters.

As a straightforward person, I believe that any man/woman is my brother/sister according to my believe irrespective of where you must have come from we are same human being.

Whoa, there, Nelly. You completely lost me there with all the brother / sister / man / woman thing. Is there some confusion as to which group I belong? Really, I don't think we need to be discussing gender or sexual preference in an introductory letter. Whether you are a straightforward person or a gayforward person is of no consequence to me. Many of my best friends are gayforward. No business of mine. But if you saw, just as an example, the way they decorate vs. how I decorate, you might change your mind on whether we are all the same human being.

This information is as regards to your payment in Nigeria. Now as I am contacting you, payments are going on to those that are aware of this information because this information was not gazette to the public awareness.

Okay, so I am aware now. Please send the money. Also, did you use a translation website to come up with this stuff, because last I heard gazette is not a verb. But I digress.

These exercises have started for sometime now but there are a lot of pranks some corrupt officials in the central bank that diverted your funds to a bank in Switzerland. From the information, the secretary of probe panel and verification on contract and next of kin matters and the chairman of the committee and some other officials summed up with to divert your funds.

Man, I just hate it when corrupt officials get all summed up and divert my funds. Even worse is when the Secretary of the Probe Panel gets involved in lots of pranks. My goodness, what is the world coming to?

This information as a result of my recent departmental research and i called then to question but they tried to bribe me, but i refused because i am not a cheat.

Hey, you don't have to try to convince me you are no cheat. I can already tell by the way you have been so honest with me in telling me such personal things about yourself. Normally that kind of forthrightness is reserved for conversations with Dr. Laura, a highly esteemed professional in my country.

I have to inform you that your! Funds interest at a tune of usd$14.1million was transferred into a Swiss account provided by a fake lawyer portrayed himself to be your lawyer.

Whoo-hoo! (And I like the way you put an exclamation point after your... I really get your meaning [wink, wink]. I know how this works. I have had several fake lawyers portray themselves as my lawyers in my lifetime. Fake lawyers are like cockroaches around here. Not just in quantity, either.

I must inform you that the officers involved are always in communication with you , so you should stop talking with them and do not tell them that you are waiting for the transfer.

Well, that explains the voices. I knew they were real.

But I swear I never talk back to them. I usually just cower in the corner in the dark and listen to their instructions. (Recently they told me to vote for Ron Paul... but I didn't. I wrote in George W. Bush again. I liked him.)

Since we have an evidence at hand, hereby advised you to contact the authorized (C.B.N) security and finance company in Abuja whom are in control of your payment and the approved lawyer attached to the security and finance company in the name of Mr. Sunmonu Femi and explain everything to him as your file was sent to him on the 4th January, 2008 and when contacting the lawyer quote your file reference number a010-2007 he is the final stone that breaks the camels back.

Now wait a minute, here. You people have camels carry stones? I have been told all my life that it was straw. That's the last straw! You and I are not the same human being. Beside the fact that we would not be using god's grace to write to each other if we were the same human being, we would both already know that it's straw not stones. Now I fear that next you will sum up and make pranks on me for sure!

My advice to you based on this information is that you should boldly call Mr. Richard Orbed the lawyer at the security and finance company on his direct email telephone number .he is the person in charge of all the legal clearances for this on-going payment exercise and ask him that he should help you in making sure your fund is paid to you immediately and do the changes to move your funds to your original account and follow his directives. He might want to know how come you got his direct email, you can tell him anything (please, don? T quote me) but insist that he should help you in making sure your payment is done, and for more clarification or to ensure him that you really knows what you are saying quote the following code no: fgn/pmg/cbn- x342xtw2004 under category 'c'i.e. your code (please this information is classified). I believe that at the end of the day, he will ask you to forward your payment information and bank co-ordinates to him for his processes as he will direct you properly on how to follow up for your fund to be made to you without further stress. If you contact him I will know because he must contact my office for your information -confirmation records.

Excuse me Florence. Knock knock, anyone in there? How am I supposed to call Dick Orbed? I can't call him at all, much less boldly. Know why?

You didn't tell me a phone number.

You're about as bright as those people that leave messages for my on my cell-phone voice mail saying "Helloooo... if you can hear me, pick up! Hellooooo..." Isn't there a very critical piece of information missing here for this all-important call?

And don't worry about me quoting you. If I did I would lose every advantage, since English is my first language and no one would believe me if I quoted you.

So go ahead and call him now and don't be afraid of him or anybody, any person apart from him is definitely a fraud. Yours sincerely, MRS.Florence Alozie

Well thanks for the heads up on not talking to anyone but Dick. I am not afraid of anyone, but quite naturally I am afraid of fraud. Especially when people sum up to prank me. I hope this works out well.

Please write back,

I could use the money.

Bill Melayter

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Nine Hundred Million

The Original Scam Letter


Hello Sir/Madam

As you are probably aware, there are lots of financial crimes and scams going on worldwide especially via the internet. Many cases of money laundering are also being reported and it has been a big task to stop these nefarious activities. Most families have lost lives, homes and their hard earned wealth due to the high rate of frauds and scams that has been all over the the world. You are also probably aware of a Nigerian scam known as "419," which is mostly practised by Nigerians!

In other to bring to an end this wicked act and compensate victims, the Nigerian and United States of American Governments decided to set up the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) to collaborate with the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Washington D.C to fight these crimes.

Right now, US$900m (Nine Hundred Million United States Dollars) have been recovered from these fraudsters through our Intelligence network, and most suspects are still under our custody for proper investigations and trials. We are now paying compensation to identified victims of these crimes.

We are glad to inform you that you have been discovered to be a victim in the past and is therefore qualified for some compensation. The amount to be paid to you would depend on how much you lost to the fraudsters.

To file for your claim, kindly contact the Head of Verification Department.
Mr. Smith Terry,
Telephone No. +234-8077776399

with this information below for further clarification and screening after which part of this money will be sent to you through any means which will be convenience for you as stated.

Full Names:
Telephone Number
Marital Status:
Amount Scammed from you:

We are sorry for any inconvenience and distress that the fraudsters might have caused you in the past and promise to remedy such ugly situation once you have responded to this mail.

Mrs. Farida Waziri
Chairman, Economic Financial Crime Commission (EFCC)
Federal Republic of Nigeria

NOTE; Contact the verification office as you were instructed to the email above. This payment has a limited time frame for funds dispatch.

My Response

Dear Mrs. Farida Waziri,

I have to tell you that my faith has not only been restored in the government of Nigeria, but also in the scammers of Nigeria. Just when I thought no one in Nigeria had a drop of honest blood in them, I get this e-mail from you, and now my heart can rest.

You can double-check your records and you will see that the amount I was scammed out of was $85,500. And I mean "to the penny" (which is an expression we use here when trying to be financially exact, but probably doesn't mean anything to you if you don't have such a coin denomination, now that I think about it).

I am so grateful to finally get to recover the money I lost. My former friends have all left me, calling me names like 'gullible' (which isn't even a real word! ...seriously, look it up!) and telling me I fall for get-rich-quick schemes too easily.

Between being able to recover all or part of the $86,500 I lost in a so-called '419 scam' (I don't even dial 419 on my phone anymore!) and all the money I expect to come to my mailbox — in the form of about 50,000 envelopes addressed to me, each with $25 cash! when my name reaches the top of the mailing lists I bought for $25 each and sold to 2 friends and they told me they would do the same — my former friends will really think I am smart after all. I will show them.

This is not to take all the credit of course. I completely honor you for the hard work you are doing in recovering the money I lost. By the way, have I forgotten to say Thank You? Shame on me!

Thank You!

Believe me, after losing $87,500 in previous scams, I am all about getting my good reputation back. No more Mr. Stupid! No, ma'am, not me.

Let's get this thing rolling. (That's an expression we use here when your car stops before you get to your destination).

Below you will find my personal information.

I am taking a precautionary measure, following your lead. I am writing to you using an e-mail address that is not the same as the one I want you to write back to. That's pretty smart of you, and I can see how that proves you are not trying to scam me out of another $88,500 like the last people. You're just being careful.

I know my name and e-mail address do not match. That's the beauty of it. (That's an expression we use over here when we are trying to make an apparent error or flaw look like a good selling point. Think: Windows Vista)

My information follows. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Full Names: Knotta Sukker, Dave, Uhr Maggestie, and Nowitt Oll
Address: 12345 Any St., Anytown, NY
Country: USA
Telephone Number: 213.853.1212
Sex: Twice annually (in a good year, but that's personal, don't you think?)
Marital Status: Somewhat disappointed
Occupation: CPA and Private Investigator
Amount Scammed from you: $89,500

I hope to hear from you soon!

Mr. Knotta Sukker

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

About Oil Painting

Note to regular readers: Technically, this one is probably not a scam, per se, because the spammer who sent this to me actually has a business [in China] selling oil paintings, but since oil painting is my profession, the subject is close to my heart.

The Spam Mail

Dear Sir or Madam,
How are you? This is Helen from Guangzhou Dengmeiying Oil Painting Co., Ltd. We are a professional oil painting manufacturer with 9 years' experiences, Offering 10000 various kinds of oil paintings and monthly output up to 1000 Pcs. Our own artists and painters can paint to your requirement. We also can make your own pictures. All sizes and styles available, 100% handmade oil paint on canvas. high quality guaranteed and competitive price.To know more about our company and products, please visit our website: we have many high-quality oil paintings, please let us know which type you like, We will be happy to give you a quotation upon receipt of your detailed requirements. Hoping we can start a good cooperation.
yours Helen
Website: &
Address: Overseas Chinese Commercial City,
Gongyi Road Huadu District Guangzhou, China
Zip: 510880 Email:,
Tel/Fax: 0086-020-36991919 Mobile phone: 0086-15913120206

My Response

Dear Helen,

How am I? Thanks for feigning interest. It's always a pleasure to receive e-mails out of the blue by saleswomen who are concerned about my well-being but are not quite sure about my gender. For the record, should we continue to correspond, I am a 'Sir,' though not in the British sense, as I have not done anything as important or as remarkably world-changing as Sir Paul McCartney or Sir Mick Jagger. And also, for the record, I am not a Madam. I can't even get my own children to clean up around the house, much less get a team of young ladies to compromise themselves for my financial benefit.

But maybe you meant something different.

So, you are from an Oil Painting Company in China. I have an Oil Painting Company in America. What a coincidence.

My Oil Painting Company has only one employee. I see him 7 days a week, every time I look in the mirror. He works hard creating new, unique works of art. He has almost 30 years' experience as a self-employed artist. Oh, and he is also the boss. He looks back at me an tells me "Your raise becomes effective when you do."

I am intrigued by your solicitation of my business. That is remarkable marketing on your part to search the internet for web pages that contain the words "oil painting" and then scavenge the e-mail addresses so you can send them spam about your business that sells oil paintings.

Personally, I can think of nothing more useful than spending my limited art income buying paintings from a company that employs underpaid, method-trained human equivalents of color Xerox machines — who bring nothing to the art world other than a glut of cheap facsimiles marketed to the average trailer monkey that wants something to offset that octagonal, faux-walnut, laminated-particle board end table beside the Naugahyde sleeper sofa; something that will look nice as a backdrop for Budweiser cans and empty 5 liter Almeden wine boxes.

Did you know many of my colleagues have had their own artistic creations downloaded right from their own blogs and websites and copied — brush-stroke for brush-stroke, including the signature! — by companies such as yours, if not indeed by yours? When I look at the pictures on your website I am forced to admit it is difficult to compete with a cramped cubicle full of sweating Chinese workers making several copies in assembly-line fashion. I have never even painted one Mona Lisa, much less twelve at a time. By the way, my friend Leonardo painted the original. He was pretty good, no?

I must say, I like your marketing catch-phrase "We also can make your own pictures." Either that is just bad Engrish, or you're trying to throw me a hint that you will soon be copying my work. Thanks for the heads up.

They say Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery... Well, you guys take it to a whole new level.

There's a word we use over here in the USA for such flattery: stealing.

Please stop copying other artists and then selling them to entrepreneurs in America by the boatload so they can do Starving Artist Sales at the Ramada Inn. That just bugs me.

As you say, "Hoping we can start a good cooperation."

You can start by stopping.


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Saturday, November 15, 2008

Project of Immense Benefit

The Original Scam letter


Please, kindly take your time to understand the content of this email.

I wish to introduce you to a project that would be of immense benefit to both of us. Being an executor of wills, it is possible that we may be tempted to make fortune out of our client's situations, when we cannot help it, or left with no better option.

The issue I am presenting to you is a case of my client who willed a fortune to his next-of-kin. It was most unfortunate that he and his next-of-kin died on the same day in an auto-crash. I am now faced with indecision about who to pass the fortune to. According to the English law, the fortune is supposed to be queathed to the government.

However, I don't belong to that school of thought which proposes that the fortune of unlucky people be given to the government. I therefore seek for your assistance in presenting you as next of Kin to the deceased being that you share the same last name with the deceased.

Please give your response to this email via return email. I will reveal other details upon your response to this email and as soon as we establish correspondance.

Reward is negotiable.

Yours in Service

Ambrose Hartman Esq.
Attorney At Law

My Response

Dear Ambrose,

First of all, I beg your forgiveness if my salutation appears in the least gender-insensitive or offensively less formal than that to which you are accustomed as it is my habit to begin such important correspondence with -- using your name as an example -- Dear Ms. Hartman or Dear Mr. Hartman but I cannot tell for sure to which gender you belong, and to surmise such from your name alone leaves some ambiguity with which to grapple, namely because, for a male, Ambrose is a decidedly sissy name in my culture, suggesting that, if male is your gender, you might likely have been the recipient of peer abuse as a child, which would explain your propensity for choosing Law as a profession, in my estimation. Additionally, Hartman does have man in it, which suggests a designated or presumed gender, but still affords some measure of confusion. Perhaps you might clear up the confusion in future correspondence by including a photo of yourself in swimwear or undergarments.

That having been stated, I must say that the details of this matter are, indeed, intriguing, but of course, hinge on the nature of what you mean by "auto-crash" (which suggests something predetermined and set into motion through some programmed mechanism and not manually-constructed, either of which have the distinct odor of murder about them)... with the remaining factor facilitating my involvement being the actual sum of said "fortune." As you know, I am an American, and it has recently been established in political circles that a "fortune" is $250,000 USD or more.

But, as we say over here: You have my attention!

And before I go on, may I tell you what a pleasure it is to receive correspondence from someone with such a remarkable command of the English language and our idiosyncratic grammatical nuances which, I must say, you have handled deftly, save one peculiarity in which you stated I am now faced with indecision about who to pass the fortune to but which might have been rendered better I am now faced with indecision about to whom to pass the fortune.

These are mere details, I realize, but I am trying to help. It is critical that all future correspondence be of the highest standards if I am to assist you in your project, and due diligence on your part is naturally a prerequisite to successful partnership with me in this Immense Benefit Project.

I will not question your assessment of this situation you describe as being 'unlucky' although the mere mention of the term denotes superstition in fairly uncertain terms. You must understand that here in America there is a segment of the population that occupies a large portion of our motherland, idiomatically known as The South for whom 'dying at the same moment as next-of-kin' would almost be a certainty since in many cases they are at once next-of-kin and spouse.

I know. Unpleasant to consider.

I can only conclude that the School of Thought to which you belong is an overseas Annex of the School of Thought to which I belong, as we are in agreement -- however we may each define "luck" -- that the fortunes of any deceased persons or partnerships in which identities can easily be manipulated and exchanged by those with degrees in matters of Law should indeed never fall into the hands of corrupt governments, but should rather clearly and irrevocably fall into the hands of corrupt but well-intentioned entrepreneurs such as you and me.

It is, therefore, with my full and untethered cooperation and agreement that you use my name in place of the next-of-kin in this Project of Immense Benefit. Please forward any forms for me to sign, via e-mail, at this same address so that we might proceed post haste.

If not sooner.


Phil T. Rich,
CEO Munni, Grubber and Skumm

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008


The Original Scam Letter:

Date: Mon, Nov 10, 2008 at 6:24 AM
Subject: Yours in Christ

I am Mrs Joy Collins from London, I am 69 years old, I am deaf and suffering from a long time cancer of the breast which also affected my brain, from all indication my conditions is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that, according to my doctors they have advised me that I may not live for the next two months, this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage. I was brought up from a motherless babies home was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child, died in a fatal motor accident Before his death we were true Christians.

Since his death I decided not to re-marry, I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of $12 million dollars with a Security Company. Presently, this money is still with them and the management just wrote me as the true owner to come forward to receive the money for keeping it so long or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over because of my illness or they get it confisticated.

Presently, I'm with my laptop in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for cancer of the lungs. I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live.

It is my last wish to see that this money is invested to any organisation of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organization, the poor and the motherless babies home where i come from. I want you God fearing, to also use this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows, I took this decision, before i rest in peace because my time will soon be up.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Security Company. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the new beneficiary of my fund. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Hoping to hearing from you soon.

Waiting for your reply get back to me.

Yours in Christ,

Mrs Joy Collins

My Response:

Dear Mrs. Joy Collins,

There are 2 things I must say, before I get into my response:

First, I want to thank you for such a wonderful gift. I am touched deeply that you would entrust $12 Million to my care. I know that this decision did not come easily to you; that you had to probably search long and hard for a person of my character who would not take some of the money for himself; that you could trust me with a sum of such enormity even though it would take me more than a year to earn that kind of money on my own.

And "B," my heart is filled with sadness over the circumstances of your unfortunate life. I noticed your e-mail address is coming from "," so if there was any doubt that you might actually be deaf, that pretty much convinces me. I said, I AM CONVINCED! Sure, selling all the belongings in your inheritance and winding up with $12 Million is nothing to feel sorry about (you know, unless you could have used, like, eBay and gotten $50 Million instead), but that really stinks about all the other stuff in your life.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to have your brain affected by a breast, with or without long time cancer (and really, all cancer is bad, but I am led to believe by your letter that the 'long' variety of 'time cancer' is the worst). And then to find out that the doctors have told you you cannot live for the next 2 months... well, that's horrible. What will you do until then? There's a bar I can't go in for the next 3 months and it's driving me insane. But I suppose that's different.

As you must know through your thorough research, I am a biologist in the infertility industry, so you and I have a lot in common: You were 'brought up from a motherless babies home' and I work at one! What a coincidence! Most of the babies here are simply named, temporarily, "Petree001, Petree002" etc. but with the gift of a portion of the $12 Million, I may be able to convince the board to start naming them "Joy" after the transaction transpires. Sure, we make motherless babies, but that doesn't mean we don't have a heart. Also, I would be delighted to distribute some of the money to various churches here in the USA. The Branch Davidians are in need of a new facility due to an unfortunate conflagration that is loosely tied to a Janet Reno — coincidentally a babiless mother. Additional sums will go to the "Who's Your Daddy Foundation." I don't know much about them, but I like their name.

Anyway, I promise not to keep a dime for myself or spend any of the money foolishly. I may need to use a very small portion of the funds on a sort of Fund-Disbursing Headquarters... I was thinking a small 11,000 sq. ft. building on the coast of Malibu, CA would be nice. Additionally, new transportation would be great. The name Lexus is associated with fairness and generosity, so I would benefit from one of those. And a new wardrobe might be nice.

We can discuss the details later, but yes, let me assure you I would like to proceed.

In the mean time, you may want to transfer your money to a different Security Company if the one you have it all in is warning that someone wants to confiscate it from you. I am no financial genius, but this just seems like sound advice.

If transferring it to me seems like the best idea, let me know and I will get you my banking information.



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Thursday, November 6, 2008


The Scam Letter:

Date: November 6, 2008 8:20:35 AM PST
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Subject: Beloved

My name is Paula Hamilton. I was married to the Late Dr. Edward Hamilton before he died on February 2nd 2005 after a brief illness.

According to my Late Husband, “Life is a misery and nobody can tell what can be of it; those that can tell what can be of it are those who cannot tell us because they are far from us (Dead)”.

Before the painful death of my Late Husband, he worked with the American Embassy in Malaysia for Nine Years before he retired and went into full time Ministry.

Before I begin my story, it is important that I let you know who my Late Husband was by stating vividly his philosophy of life “Life is worth living only if lived to the service of mankind and you can only make a living by what you earn, but you make life by what you give.”

To start my story, I was married to my Late Husband for Fifteen Years without a Child and since his death I decided not to re-marry, this is basically my own decision to honor him for the love we shared and the life we lived together.

Before the death of my Husband, we made something out of life and this I have decided to use in setting up a Charity Organization in Honor of my Late Husband.

The sum of Nine Million, Two Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (USD. 9.2 Mil) is presently in a Custody of an accredited Finance Company in United Kingdom. This amount of money was deposited by my Late Husband in 2004 and we both agreed to use these funds to propagate the Work of God.

Earlier this Month I was diagnosed of Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML) and my Doctor has told me that I would not last for the next 6 Months due to damage this cancer has done to my system.

Having known my condition, I have decided to entrust this funds to a Honest Individual who will utilize this money in the manner at which the funds are meant for. Once I have received your response to this mail, I shall direct you to contact my Doctor for further clarifications and possible advice. Documents naming you the original Beneficiary of these funds will be sent to you as we are proceeding further in this matter.

Beloved, I choose this means to locate you because I am sure that I will be lead to the kind of person that will be totally honest with me. Due to my health condition, delay in your reply will not be of any benefit to me and this will propel me to search for someone else. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I have stated above.

Please reply me via email:

In His Arms.

Mrs. Paula Hamilton.

My Response

Dear Mrs. Late Hamilton,

May I call you Paula? I am so used to calling benefactors by their first names. By now you must know that I am known for being a very Honest Person, and, as a result, the Beneficiary of many such donations and grant transfers. To be perfectly honest, I think this must have more to do with my reputation as a portrait painter than my Work for God.

It wouldn't be fair to proceed in this matter without letting you know that it is likely I will not use all the money for the Work of God as you seem to be requesting, and will probably spend about 17% of it on frivolous vices, such as video entertainment systems, foods that contain trans fats, jewelry for my lady friends, and strong drink. Even such a Good Steward as I am has to be able to kick back and have a little fun once in a while.

What concerns me, though, is the reputation and pessimistic outlook of the Late Dr. Edward Hamilton, to whom you were married. First of all, did he have some known issues with punctuality, or was the title 'Late' granted to him posthumously due to his not showingg up for meetings after his death? And that first quote of his about life being a misery, well... that kind of thinking just throws garlic in my punchbowl, really. In the words of a Once-Disabled-American Forrest Gump, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You just never know what you're going to get. And everyone puts the cherry ones back," or something like that.

I find great hope in his words.

But anyway, I am sorry about your cancer thing. CML must be bad for you. In America we have a cigarette brand that is CAMEL, and it's bad for you, too.

Bottom line: if you're comfortable with me splitting up the $9,200,000 with 83% (or $7,636,000) toward the Work of God and the remaining 17% ($1,564,000) going toward my somewhat self-absorbed lifestyle, I would like to proceed.

And by the way, if by some miracle you make it out of CML alive, I am a bachelor.

Awaiting your decision,

-- Punctual David

PS -- You closed with "In His Arms" and I am wondering if you already have a new suitor, or if you're talking about the Late Doctor again. Please elucidate.

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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

New Job Offer

The Original Scam Letter:

From: Marcus Simon
Date: Wed, Nov 5, 2008 at 8:39 AM
Subject: Job Advert.
To: undisclosed-recipients


This is to inform you that Children Support foundation is interested in offering you a part-time paying job in which you will earn about 3000 US Dollars per month.This job will act as an extra income for you if you are employed. The foundation has been in existence since August 2008 and aims at saving the life of children with heart and kidney problems around the world. We also ensure we work with the best professionals in all fields so that we save as many children as we can. As the Assistant director of the foundation, I am ensuring that we work so hard to save all the children with heart and kidney problems in the world.

We were just granted a funding to head a charity support project in the tropical regions of the world regarding surgical issues related to heart diseases and provision of basic amenities in support to humanitarian services to the third world nations and this would be commencing very soon. However, our funding were by our American associates that assist us by sending us payments and the foundation is in need of your help as our Payment Representative. All you will be doing is to help us receive and process payment on behalf of the foundation. After receiving the payment,you will have it cashed out at either your Bank or a check cashing centre and will have the funds transferred to the Accountant information as instructed by the firm. Once you have processed the payment, you will deduct 10% of the actual amount received and you will have the rest transferred as instructed. The 10% you will be deducting from the actual amount recieved is your service charge for helping the Foundation have the payment processed. Please note that the Money transfer charges will be deducted from the foundation's 90% balance.

I will like to know if you are interested in working with the foundation because we have limited spaces left open for now. We would also be glad to inform you that is a very limited offer in which it requires your immediate response. I will be hoping to hear from you soon. You will also stand the chances of being a part of our future and the excellence of an Institute in which you will be highly appreciated.

I would be glad if you accept our proposal and we intend to commence on starting as soon as you are ready. If you are interested, i would want you to please kindly fill your details below, so that we can start ASAP.


Marcus Simon.
Children Support Foundation
London, SE233YP.
United Kingdom.

My Response:

Dear Mr. Simon,

I am delighted that you have chosen me for this part-time job as a Payment Representative, a job which pays $3000/month.

There are a couple of concerns I have which I would like to get out of the way first.

1). I notice you sent this letter to "undisclosed-recipients" which leads me to believe that you are offering this part time job to others and so I want you to know that I WANT THIS JOB. I AM THE MOST QUALIFIED. DO NOT GIVE THIS JOB TO ANYONE ELSE!!!!!

2). You said "this job will act as an extra income for you if you are employed." Are you kidding? I am unemployed, and living off government assistance. This would be great! I could really use $3000 extra a month, but I certainly don't want to be employed. Does that cancel your offer?

I currently live in Section 8 housing with my girlfriend's 6 children (well, we think one of them is mine, but no matter -- we still get a good check from the government for each of them, and the amount for each child should be going up now that the US has a liberal-stacked government coming up and they start taking more money from those rich people who don't deserve to keep EVERYTHING they work for!)

I have an idea: Please send me a list of the names and addresses of the kiddos that have heart and kidney problems IN MY AREA and I can also offer them jobs. My girlfriend and I are already doing pretty well in our little business decorating Lance Armstrong bracelets (those yellow bands people wear on their wrists to raise awareness for cancer in a sensitive area or something). Anyway, we have the kids hot-gluing rhinestones to them for 'extra bling.' We pay them upwards of $1.57 a week, and we could DEFINITELY use some more help. These sickly kiddos could be quite an asset, because THIS WORK CAN BE DONE FROM A HOSPITAL BED or even an IRON LUNG.

Are you getting the BIGGER picture here? More money for all of us!!!! (Except the kids)

Seriously, let's make this work, because I am tired of all the business going to China. They don't pay their child workers very well, and it just breaks my heart.

Lets get busy!


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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Private and Confidential

The Original Scam Letter:

I am Mrs. Kate Solomon now undergoing medical treatment for cancer. I am married to Dr. Peter Solomon who worked with South Africa embassy in Malaysia for nine years before he died in the year 2006.

Before my Husband died, we both make a deposit of a total sum $7.6M in a Finance Company in South Africa. Recently, my Doctor told me that I few month to live due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I have decided to donate this fund to a honest Person.

My Attorney will issue you a Letter of Authority from Court naming you the original Beneficiary of these funds. Please assure me that you will act

accordingly as I stated herein.

Hoping to hear from you.

In His Arms.
Mrs. Kate Solomon

My Response:

Mrs. Kate Solomon,

Look, I think it's a little odd that you are married to someone who has been dead for 2 years, but I don't want to judge.

I am sorry about your cancer problem, and of course I am so sad that you will die.

Now, about that cash...

You know? you are so lucky. You completely found the right Honest Person. I am known for being totally honest all the time. Now, DO NOT tell anyone about this deal we're making. I am 3 months from being out of incarceration (some "perjury" deal, but never mind) and I don't want the government to find out about this. As you know, I am sure, this character Obama will probably be president and he wants to take more taxes from rich people (like I am about to be). We cannot let Mr. Obama know about this. Okay? And remember, I am totally honest, all the time.

I have already talked to my attorney (in nondescript terms, of course) about this "affair" and he says I need some evidence that you are 1) a doctor, 2) a woman and 3) have the money. I think a snapshot of you naked in a hospital with some cash would be proof enough. Do you know how to do e-mail attachments?

Awaiting your response,

Mr. David

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

From Mr Simon Danel

The Original Scam Letter:

My Dear friend,
My name is Mr. Simon Daniel I work with the BAF Bank of Cote D' ivoire as the Regional manager plateau Branch, in the Western Region of Cote d' ivoire.I am 53 years old with three kids. I have packaged a transaction that will be of mutual benefit to us. As the branch manager of BAF Bank of Cote D' ivoire, it is my duty to send a financial report to my head office in the capital city, plateau, at the end of each financial year.

Following the release of the second quarter financial report, ending June 2006, I discovered that my branch made Nine Million, Eight Hundred and Fifty Thousand United States Dollars ($9,850,000.00); from the transactions accruing to the account of the Inland Revenue Service (IRS). This was not detected by the renowned auditors from my head office.
I have moved the funds into what the Bank call Escrow Call Account with no beneficiary. Meanwhile as you know I can not be directly connected to this money for obvious reasons. So my contacting you is to assist me receive the funds in your Bank account in your country; which I know is possible if you

liaise properly with me and get 30% of the total funds as your benefit. The transfer would be made via swift and it will be a Bank-to-Bank wired transfer.All I need from you is to stand claim as the original depositor of this fund. I will compute your particulars as the person who made the deposit in my branch, so that my head office will immediately order the transfer to your designated Bank Account. Thanks for your understanding and co-operation.
Yours truly.
Simon Daniel

My Response:

Dear Mr. Danel,

This is very exciting news. I have always wanted to be rich. All I really want is a large swimming pool in my backyard, but I have not been able to put one in because of two things: 1) I never had the money (until now!!!!) and 2) I am a renter.

I have not researched swimming pool prices, but I think that 30% of 9.8 billion dollars will cover most of it.

Please just send me a check now, and we can discuss the details later. I am so glad you were able to find my e-mail address on my website. I am one lucky man.


A Scam Response:

Dear David R. Darrow,

Thanks for your mail and your williness to proceed with me on this affair. I hope we will come to a very Good end in this transaction. I know i have not met with you before and also do not know you on person but i believe i can trust you that was why i have contacted you on this matter. I will want you to call me on this number 00 225 09 61 50 80 so i will let you know more on how we are to proceed on this affair or send to me your own phoen number so i can call you ok. Bye for now i will be expecting to hear from you.
Thanks Yours,
Mr. Simon.


My Response:

Dear Simon Danel,

Do you have a middle initial like I do? I prefer to write to people who I know have a middle name or at least an initial.

Anyway, YOU are thanking ME for my willingness to proceed on this affair? Are you joking? It has been several years since a total stranger has offered me some serious cash like this! I don't know how to figure out how much 30% of $9.8 billion actually is but I am pretty sure it is more than $30,000! That is a LOT of money, and I hope you do not "change the deal." That happened to me once when I was trying to buy a Chevy Nova once, but that's another story.

I am glad you trust me even though you don't really know me. That makes me feel SO good. No one has said something like that to me since I came to prison. I will not let you down. And you had better not let me down, either. I would be mad. And when I lose my temper... (well... let's just say, there's a reason I'm in "the big house.")

You told me to call you on "this number" -- but I can't for 2 reasons:
1) I don't have access to a telephone here, as you might understand
2) You gave me, like, 6 numbers! You didn't tell me which one I should call you on! I can't afford to call all 6 of them! (and I am really suspicious of that first number "00" -- is that a real number? My cellmate is a mathematician and says "00 ain't nuthin'" -- Who do I trust?)

Of course I don't have a phone number here. We will have to work out some other means of communication and delivery. I would like to get the cash soon. Some of the other guys here get secret stuff delivered inside a cake or body cavity. So there are options.

I had just enough time to visit your website. It's really cool, but I couldn't read anything there. Well... I have to go back to "solitary" so I won't be able to get your e-mails until tomorrow. Good luck, take it easy, and as they say in The Islands: Kawabunga.

'Thanks Yours,' too, and Caio.

Mr. David R. Darrow

PS -- I will be out in 9 months, so I hope I can get the dough by then and build that pool!!! This is so lucky. I am standing beside myself with joy. My wife will love it. Oh, and please don't tell her about our affair. She watches Oprah, and doesn't trust men at all, now.

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