Friday, November 28, 2008

My Greetings To You

Note to regular readers: I decided to try a different format than older posts, more in line with how I actually write letters.

When many ideas are presented in one paragraph or, as is often the case, when the entire letter is one run-on paragraph, I "quote back" the sender's letter to them, then "cut in" snippets of my own responses. (My responses are indicated by a leftward, red, vertical bar) This is the format I have used below, taking the entirely of the scam letter but "interrupting" the original with numerous responses to "what has just been proposed.

The Scam Letter, with my responses cut in:

Hello my dear,
I strongly believe that this mail must get at you by god's grace, as I do not know you in person and not quite sure of your current tell/fax number for me to be sure, but I know how I manage to get this mail address which I used to communicate you.

Hello, my Sweetness,
(May I call you that? You called me 'My dear' and it makes me feel good.) You may be onto something with that god's grace method of mail delivery, because, for the life of me, I don't understand how I get any mails on my computer. I mean, no stamps, no envelopes. How do they know?

Anyway, the letter got to me, so let me know if you still want my phone or fax number and mailing address, otherwise we can go ahead and use the god's grace thing again to get me the money you're talking about below. Deal?

However, I am Mrs.Florence Alozie and I am working with the nations apex bank; accounts unit/telex department central bank of Nigeria. My aim of writing is not to know you as I have no interest of knowing you and would not like to know you unless if needs be.

Well, Florence Alozie of the nations apex bank; accounts unit/telex department central bank of Nigeria, I have no interest in knowing you either. But now I know a whole lot. If needs be (and I think we both agree, they do be) here's additional information about me that will actually get you to know me better, regardless of your actual interest: I am, as you already know, Mr. Bill Melayter, of the abrasive scrubbing department of the receptacle department of the septic waste department of the domestic engineering department of the Employee Micro-Management Corporation of America.

But I am telling you this based on my believe as person who does not like evil or cheating and would not like to be called for explanation as a result of this information I am giving to you below.

You have me on 2 out of 3. I actually love being called on for explanation, but I hate cheating and evil (not necessarily in that order), and for what it's worth, I hate evil cheaters.

As a straightforward person, I believe that any man/woman is my brother/sister according to my believe irrespective of where you must have come from we are same human being.

Whoa, there, Nelly. You completely lost me there with all the brother / sister / man / woman thing. Is there some confusion as to which group I belong? Really, I don't think we need to be discussing gender or sexual preference in an introductory letter. Whether you are a straightforward person or a gayforward person is of no consequence to me. Many of my best friends are gayforward. No business of mine. But if you saw, just as an example, the way they decorate vs. how I decorate, you might change your mind on whether we are all the same human being.

This information is as regards to your payment in Nigeria. Now as I am contacting you, payments are going on to those that are aware of this information because this information was not gazette to the public awareness.

Okay, so I am aware now. Please send the money. Also, did you use a translation website to come up with this stuff, because last I heard gazette is not a verb. But I digress.

These exercises have started for sometime now but there are a lot of pranks some corrupt officials in the central bank that diverted your funds to a bank in Switzerland. From the information, the secretary of probe panel and verification on contract and next of kin matters and the chairman of the committee and some other officials summed up with to divert your funds.

Man, I just hate it when corrupt officials get all summed up and divert my funds. Even worse is when the Secretary of the Probe Panel gets involved in lots of pranks. My goodness, what is the world coming to?

This information as a result of my recent departmental research and i called then to question but they tried to bribe me, but i refused because i am not a cheat.

Hey, you don't have to try to convince me you are no cheat. I can already tell by the way you have been so honest with me in telling me such personal things about yourself. Normally that kind of forthrightness is reserved for conversations with Dr. Laura, a highly esteemed professional in my country.

I have to inform you that your! Funds interest at a tune of usd$14.1million was transferred into a Swiss account provided by a fake lawyer portrayed himself to be your lawyer.

Whoo-hoo! (And I like the way you put an exclamation point after your... I really get your meaning [wink, wink]. I know how this works. I have had several fake lawyers portray themselves as my lawyers in my lifetime. Fake lawyers are like cockroaches around here. Not just in quantity, either.

I must inform you that the officers involved are always in communication with you , so you should stop talking with them and do not tell them that you are waiting for the transfer.

Well, that explains the voices. I knew they were real.

But I swear I never talk back to them. I usually just cower in the corner in the dark and listen to their instructions. (Recently they told me to vote for Ron Paul... but I didn't. I wrote in George W. Bush again. I liked him.)

Since we have an evidence at hand, hereby advised you to contact the authorized (C.B.N) security and finance company in Abuja whom are in control of your payment and the approved lawyer attached to the security and finance company in the name of Mr. Sunmonu Femi and explain everything to him as your file was sent to him on the 4th January, 2008 and when contacting the lawyer quote your file reference number a010-2007 he is the final stone that breaks the camels back.

Now wait a minute, here. You people have camels carry stones? I have been told all my life that it was straw. That's the last straw! You and I are not the same human being. Beside the fact that we would not be using god's grace to write to each other if we were the same human being, we would both already know that it's straw not stones. Now I fear that next you will sum up and make pranks on me for sure!

My advice to you based on this information is that you should boldly call Mr. Richard Orbed the lawyer at the security and finance company on his direct email telephone number .he is the person in charge of all the legal clearances for this on-going payment exercise and ask him that he should help you in making sure your fund is paid to you immediately and do the changes to move your funds to your original account and follow his directives. He might want to know how come you got his direct email, you can tell him anything (please, don? T quote me) but insist that he should help you in making sure your payment is done, and for more clarification or to ensure him that you really knows what you are saying quote the following code no: fgn/pmg/cbn- x342xtw2004 under category 'c'i.e. your code (please this information is classified). I believe that at the end of the day, he will ask you to forward your payment information and bank co-ordinates to him for his processes as he will direct you properly on how to follow up for your fund to be made to you without further stress. If you contact him I will know because he must contact my office for your information -confirmation records.

Excuse me Florence. Knock knock, anyone in there? How am I supposed to call Dick Orbed? I can't call him at all, much less boldly. Know why?

You didn't tell me a phone number.

You're about as bright as those people that leave messages for my on my cell-phone voice mail saying "Helloooo... if you can hear me, pick up! Hellooooo..." Isn't there a very critical piece of information missing here for this all-important call?

And don't worry about me quoting you. If I did I would lose every advantage, since English is my first language and no one would believe me if I quoted you.

So go ahead and call him now and don't be afraid of him or anybody, any person apart from him is definitely a fraud. Yours sincerely, MRS.Florence Alozie

Well thanks for the heads up on not talking to anyone but Dick. I am not afraid of anyone, but quite naturally I am afraid of fraud. Especially when people sum up to prank me. I hope this works out well.

Please write back,

I could use the money.

Bill Melayter

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